X-Men Origins: Wolverine - The Drinking Game

This movie was such garbage that the only thing I can do is come up with a drinking game to help dull the pain. With Adrik's help, we've compiled the following list:

Warning: Spoilers ahead.

1) Every time the canon is blatantly disregarded, take a shot.

2) Every time someone is shirtless, take a drink.

3) Take a drink for every random power they give a character that a character is not supposed to have, or don't give a character that they are supposed to have. See: Emma not being telepathic, Gambit telekinetically moving the cards, Deadpool in general.

4) Every time Wolverine is referred to as Logan by people who know him only as James, take a drink.

5) Take two drinks every time the movie is more than a little homoerotic.

6) Take a drink every time the special effects are so bad they actually illicit pain. Bonus: Take two when you see Youngified Patrick Stewart.

7) Take a drink the first time you notice the nationality of a famous character changes. See: Emma Frost. Bonus: Take a drink every time Gambit's accent slips.

8) Take a drink every time you feel like you missed an important scene. Like when Gambit suddenly vanishes and shows up not 2 minutes later down the block on a rooftop.

9) Take a shot when a character without healing abilities manages to do something ridiculous and not die. See: Again, Gambit. Jumping off a building.

10) Take a shot whenever two characters that are unrelated in the comics are magically made to be siblings.

11) Take a drink whenever there SHOULD be blood on Wolverine's claws but inexplicably isn't.

12) Take a shot every time a character shows up and the only explanation you can come up with for their presence is that a fanboy wrote this shit.

13) When Wolverine gets the Amnesia Bullet, take three shots in the hopes that you will also forget everything that just happened.

Sadly, even with my changing several of them from "shots" to "drink" you still won't make it past the first ten minutes of the film.

10 Things I learned about X-men from watching "Wolverine and the X-Men"

1. Storm's whirlwind powers can deflect bullets.

2. The only way Kitty can phase a helicopter is to drop through the bottom of it.

3. Rogue can apparently control any power she absorbs. And these powers include skills. Like buSHEEdo.

4. Magneto can control the inherent properties of metal, even dissolving it to form new shit.

5. When Wolverine smells things, he creates holographic images of it in his mind.

6. Nightcrawler can teleport water.

7. Charles Xavier is Zordon. You'll get it if you get it.

I only got to 7 because there really just isn't that much to learn from it. I'm not sure why I watch it, except it's a dose of X-Men in an otherwise X-men-less life.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine Thoughts

My first and only thought is, "Why don't they just call it 'X-Men Fanboy: Wetdreams' and get it over with?"

Wolverine is automatically crack for fanboys, so fine, I was expecting some of that. But Gambit? Do they REALLY need to put Gambit in a Wolverine movie? God. My only real knowledge of Gambit comes from the X-Men Animated Series, and I didn't hate him in that, but I do not understand the massive hard-on that all these fanboys have for things. Where is the X-Men: Phoenix movie? That would be AWESOME. That would actually be what X-Men 3 should have been. Damn you Brian Singer and your desire to do that shit Superman movie with the kid. You could have done something absolutely AMAZING. I used to enjoy his movies but the more I think about it the angrier I get at him for not doing X-Men 3 properly.

God knows I'll probably go see the wolverine movie. If for no other reason than Ryan Reynolds is amazing hot, especially when he's weilding swords. And while I'm not quite the obsessed, ridiculous fanboy most of these people are, I am indeed a fanboy.

For the curious but uninformed.