Can I get a "Huh?" with that Heroes?

I was going to write a big long post all about my England/Paris trip before I got into my TV reviews, but Heroes was so fucking infuriating just now that I have to critique it right away. And I've decided as soon as this Villians arc is over I'm giving up on the damned show.

So, since the list is shorter, let's list the things I didn't hate:

Ok, now onto the things I did.

No, I joke. But the only thing I did like was Mama Petrelli giving Peter the gun and telling him to grow a pair. And Sylar being crazy and evil was kind of fun (even if his thought processes to get there made no sense whatsoever, but more on that later). And the marine was kind of hot, if you're into meatheads. I'm really scraping to come up with these things.

And let the critique begin. My biggest and most problematic issue with this episode was that the plot had GIANT, GAPING HOLES in it. Usually my problem is with just uninteresting writing, or bad acting (of which there was plenty in this episode) but never before have I just not understood an episode.

Problem 1: How the fuck did Papa Petrelli get back in time with Hiro and Claire? This isn't meant to be rhetorical or witty. I honestly do not understand how he could travel back in time to steal Hiro's time travel power in the first place. Is there another time traveler he stole from? Is that how he teleported all over the place? It might at least explain how he got to Africa so fucking fast a month ago. But this leads me back to the whole problem of there being 8 powers in the world. Powers in this game are apparently like one of those paper fortune tellers we made in school, where you pick two numbers and a color only to find out you have a crush on the fat girl. I could also buy that it was past Arthur who just happened to walk in at the right time, but then that wouldn't make sense with any of the rest of the story. Did he just take Hiro's power so Hiro wouldn't have it anymore? Then we are forced to ask again why he hasn't been stopping time this whole season. It just doesn't make any sense.

Problem 2: Every scene with Daphne, Matt, and Ando. If you saw the episode obviously I don't have to explain why this sucked so hard, but for giggles, lets provide a montage of some of my favorite lines:

• "You are being a good friend to Hiro, Nemesis." "well, it's my fault" "No, it's because it's right, and you're a good person".
  
• *cut to a view of Matt beating himself with a book*
• "OH NO. He's getting away! We have to go after him" "Boys, let me handle this"
  
• *cut to a view of Matt stabbing his ear with a pen*
  
• "Maybe it's not all bad. He can perfect the formula now" "That's right, we can have another time traveler. Maybe it's ME"
  
• *cut to a view of Matt turning off Heroes and vowing never to watch it again*

Sadly this last part didn't happen. I stayed until the end. And how was I rewarded? With Claire's whole subplot, or as I like to call it, Problem 3.

Problem 3: Claire, and everything in this show she's associated with except Noah, and frankly even Noah when he's around Claire because he becomes stupid. As anyone who has seen Bring it On: White Girl gets Hood (Thank you Justin) we all know the bitch can't act. But it's been my experience even a bad actor can make good material bearable (see: Keanu Reeves in The Matrix, Shia LeBouf in Transformers), which means this unbearable shit is really not all her fault. First issue: They're in New York City, and Mrs.Bennet (because I can't be bothered to learn her real name) just lets this little bitch into her flat, and alone with her daughter. I mean, she's blonde and well dressed in completely anachronistic clothing, so clearly she must be safe. If she was that black chick from last season, you know Sandra (HA! I remembered) would have pulled out the Mace. Which makes me realize how remarkably NOT diverse this cast is. And as an aside, I hate when people run about in Anacrhonistic clothing and no-one is ever "uhm dude you're dressed funny. Are you from the future?" They did it in Star Trek all the damn time. No one wears pajamas like that! If I ever see someone in an outfit that looks alright but has no place in my time period, my first guess is time travelers. Anyway, back to the Claire Debacle. So I approve of Noah walking in and being all "Who the hell are you?" but I don't like that she managed to talk him out of capping her so quickly. Granted she wouldn't have died anyway, but it would have been fantastic to watch him shoot her, and have her get up and be all "YOU'RE MY DADDY!!" That would have given the writers fodder to stretch out over the next two seasons. "The past You shot me because I was all sketchy and Single White Babysitter and I can never forgive you". And the whole conversation didn't leave a big enough imprint on Noah that when Claire grew up he was like "Have we met? Cause you look awfully familiar"? And please please please when will the bitch learn to fight? Your power is you can't get hurt. It's a fun party trick to cut off your hand and grow a new one, but really kind of USELESS in a fight against people who can do everything (which apparently is every 8th person with powers).

I would list the catalyst as problem number 4, but it's not so much. I really liked Hiro's mother, although she was kind of useless. If she's a healer, and they all know Linderman who was also a healer (it's one of the 8 powers, apparently) couldn't they have someone come and fix whatever was wrong with her? Was the catalyst killing her? Was the catalyst her power? Was it a gift from the aliens in Cocoon? Cause it certainly made people all glowy. And Arthur stole it and when he died, it died with him, was that it? Meh.

Other questions from the episode:
Where did Sylar get the bottle of lighter fluid?
How did he get back to civilization so damned fast?
How did Daphne CARRY Ando and Parkman?
What is Hiro's dad's power? (Ok, this one is kind of legitimate)
Why didn't Sylar steal the Hatian's power?
Why did Nathan switch sides so quickly?
Are all of these companies in the same place, thus explaining the ridiculous ease of travel between locations?
Did Sylar re-accelerate the bullet in order to make it kill Papa Petrelli? And why was the bullet spinning?
Will this show ever get good again?
Was my typing "this" as "shit" in the last question a Freudian slip?

I'm sure I had more issues with it, but those are the major ones. Or at least the most memorable ones. And I can't wait for tomorrow! YAY MORE SHIT.